Hi.
This entry might be a little cringe for some of you.
Alhamdulillah, I think I'm in a good place now.
Free from depression and anxiety—
I wouldn't say it's completely gone,
but syukur, I'm feeling better than ever.
I was naive.
I regret choosing to stay in love for the past five years—
with two people
who didn’t deserve to be loved that much,
who didn’t appreciate or truly feel that love.
Maybe they were sincere at first,
but it only ever lasted a few months.
I sought happiness through love,
when I shouldn't have.
I shouldn’t have done that to myself.
I lost myself many times because of it.
I didn’t prioritize myself.
I needed them to be happy—
not realizing I was neglecting what I truly wanted.
To MF,
Thank you for bringing light into my high school years.
The love we had was immature and reckless.
I’m sorry—I moved on quickly.
Maybe I grieved for a few weeks,
and then someone came along
and showed me a love that was better than ours.
I didn’t cherish what we had as much as I thought I did,
and for that, I’m sorry.
To IH,
Specifically, to the old IH I used to know—
You were kind.
You had your own aura, your own charisma.
I didn’t notice it until you reached out to me.
You showed me the love I thought I deserved.
You gave me flowers, treated me like a princess… like a queen.
It may have only lasted a few months,
but I appreciated those gestures from the you back then.
It might have been the bare minimum,
but I was genuinely happy at the time.
I ignored the red flags, one by one.
I'm still in love with the old you,
and now I just pretend he’s gone.
My feelings toward you now are completely different.
I feel disgusted—you're a stranger to me.
Sometimes, I feel pity.
How could someone who went to umrah, haji,
who used to be so spiritual and grounded,
do the things you did?
You hurt people—not just me,
but others around you too.
You crave power now more than ever—like you’re starving for it.
It might not be obvious,
but people can see it.
We see you.
We see the changes in you.
You’ve done things far worse than most guys ever would.
And now, it seems like the only thing you truly have is your money.
Your friends, your relationships,
even your new girlfriend—
most of them are using you for it.
Or maybe, you bought them.
You bought the relationship.
And I doubt anyone will remember you kindly after you graduate.
No one will bring up the good things you did.
And sometimes, I pity you because of that.
I hope the old you will come back and rescue yourself.
I hope he reminds you
that you were never someone desperate for attention,
for love, for sparks, or for girls.
You weren’t like that.
And that’s why—
I used to love you.
To my future husband,
I’m sorry.
Yes, I wasted five years of my life searching for love.
But now, I’m just waiting for Allah to send you.
And I believe, when the time comes,
it will be the most perfect and destined moment ever.