I met him during Ramadan.
He read my letters.
I don't know if the decision to meet him was a good choice or not.
But half of my unresolved questions and untold things have been solved.
I felt relieved in the first two weeks,
then was showered with new questions, new "What Ifs."
But what I'm sure of is,
He admitted everything.
He cheated, he was stupid, and everything.
I don't know if he was sincere about it or not.
But what I'm sure of is,
He doesn't regret what he did.
As for my feelings now,
Alhamdulillah,
I'm getting better day by day.
This one needs a lot of healing,
like, a lot.
It's already been almost 7 months.
Surprisingly, I thought I wasn't the kind of person who would grieve for this long.
I moved on from my past relationship in just a month,
but this one,
is completely different.
This one is a lot harsher,
a lot more toxic, with gaslighting and manipulation,
using his 'kindness,' his money, his looks, his 'faith,' and everything.
and, this one involved my family...
I admit,
I am still not completely moved on.
But it gets a lot easier.
I admit,
although I hate seeing his photo,
I still care about him.
I still have thoughts like,
Is he okay?
Is the workload pressuring him?
Does he still feel stressed?
And even though everything went wrong because of his actions,
I still wonder,
Is this all a test from Allah for him?
He went to Umrah, to Hajj, but everything went wrong after that.
His actions, his iman, everything went wrong.
And the most embarrassing thing is,
His name is still in my du'a.
