Hello there,
I never thought these days would ever come.
Someone once asked me,
“What do you want to happen to them?”
“I want them to break up so badly, and I honestly don't care who they end up marrying after that. I just don't want it to be them.”
And guess what? After two years of feeling like shit, of desperately trying to move on and teaching myself not to care about them anymore, which I’ve succeed of moving on. And yes after struggling and achieving all of that, they finally broke up a few months ago.
I know I should feel happy, but instead, I'm overwhelmed by so many emotions.
Name it. Relief? Sadness? Anger? I feel like I'm experiencing a thousand emotions all at once.
It's just that, after such a painful chapter of my life, it finally feels like there's an ending. And somehow, that makes me feel so sad for myself. Sad for having been a part of such a painful memory. Sad for the version of me who held on for so long, who spent so much time hurting over something I couldn't change.
I feel sorry for myself for holding on for so long.
And maybe that's what hurts the most. Not that they broke up, but that it took me two years of pain to get here. That even after getting what I once wished for, I don't feel the happiness I thought I would.
Maybe because, deep down, what I really wanted wasn't just for them to break up. I wanted to be free from the pain they caused me. I wanted to stop caring. I wanted to reach a point where their relationship, whether it lasted forever or fell apart, no longer had the power to hurt me.
And now that it's over, I'm left with all these feelings I don't quite know what to do with.
Maybe this is what the end of a painful chapter feels like. Not always happiness, not always relief, but a quiet kind of sadness for everything you've been through and everything you've had to lose along the way.
And maybe, just maybe, it's time to finally let that version of me rest
