I'm at the lowest point of my life,
where I begin to question everything.
I read my past entries,
and I feel envy
for the girl I once was.
I can see how close I was to Allah.
I was strong—
strong enough to accept what felt unacceptable,
strong enough to face people's true colors,
strong enough to accept that some people simply aren’t kind.
I truly admit, I was strong because of Allah.
And now, I've grown weak,
blaming everything, including myself, for what I’m going through.
I feel no ease; I search for peace,
yet I leave Allah out of my plans.
Even though I know that all peace comes from Him.
I know I was depressed—
and I still am,
I know, I should truly depend on Allah.
Lies, deceit, and more lies.
These things feel harder and harder to accept,
even though it isn’t the first time.
Disgusted, disappointed, but still, I find space to forgive.
Waiting for him to realize
that he broke me into pieces
with his promises, hopes, and lies.
He never meant the words he spoke.
Blame me for not understanding enough,
but does he know
that I was struggling, too?
I was trying my best for him,
but he never saw.
Laughter, work, and more laughter—
that’s how I spend my days,
yet I never feel at ease.
I distract myself too much,
refusing to let myself grieve.
It’s hard to breathe these days;
my hands tremble sometimes.
I need someone to remind me to breathe,
to hold me,
to remind me
how to live.
But,
what if all of this makes them cringe?
What if they think I’m pretending?
Dear friends,
I really, truly need someone to hold me.
Ya Allah,
bring me back to who I was.
Only You, and only You,
know what I’m hiding,
know the truth behind my laughter.
